I'm taking a break

I know you were expecting a Music Monday post today but I just couldn't. I had the post drafted but it was just a title the youtube link. It was this Marina and the Diamonds song if you're interested. I've been feeling overwhelmed lately, I'm working full time while trying to blogging regularly (I know a lot of people do it). It's a juggling act and sometimes I feel like I'm not succeeding at anything. I'm a perfectionist and I don't want to post subpar material just to keep to my schedule so I'm stopping for a little so I can my head together. I'm trying to not be so hard on myself. I know it takes time to find a balance so I'm taking a break.

Find Space
I had last week off it really made me think. I should've been excited to have the time off and focus on blogging but I found myself just procrastinating and it now it's Monday and I have no content. During last week I realised how much happier I was to not be at my job. I've wanted out for so long (I've been working there for over two years) but I didn't have the drive to go out there and really ask for help. I want to use my time off from blogging to focus on finding a new job. One that allows me enough time to blog on the side. Hopefully one day I can monetise my blog and get to the point where a part time/20 hour job role would be a good fit. It seems like 90% of entry level work is part time or zero hours contract and without another source of income I don't want to downgrade from full time. I'm trying to figure it. I'm 24, I'm still young...? I'll get there.


Even though it's making me anxious to stop blogging and risk the growth I've made I have to breathe and take a step back. Get into a job that isn't causing so much stress and doesn't feel like a never ending roundabout of menial tasks and frustration. I just gotta keep breathing.

I don't know when I'll be back. In my head I want to give myself til May but I might be back sooner. I know I'll miss it. I don't know if I should still partake in twitter blog chats since I'm on hiatus... I'll still be doing my 365 challenge on instagram. You can also find me on twitter and tumblr and flickr. I hope you all have a nice Easter if you celebrate it or just enjoy the bank holidays! I wanna come back better than ever.


6 things I'd tell my 16 year old self

Inspired by the #dearme youtube trend/prompt going on right now, I thought I would write a post about what I would tell my former self. First and foremost you're not shy, you're an introvert. You know you can talk to people, you just prefer not to (and it is like 5% crippling anxiety but only 5%). It takes time to develop relationships to get to the types of conversations you want to have: ones about existentialism, depression and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind but that's ok. Not everyone is a chatty person. Silence is golden. You know how awesome you can be... you just gotta work on your trust issues. Continue to keep rolling your eyes at people who call you shy, they'll catch up to introversion cause it's about it shoved down their throats via internet articles.


Music Monday - Turn it Off

I've been a fan of Paramore for a long time. I like rock and roll, I like the energy of the music. I like Hayley, she's cute, quirky, she has awesome ever changing hair. I really believe that Brand New Eyes is Paramore's best album (so far) and it's really nostalgic for me because it came out during my first year of university and whenever I listen to it I get transported back to bus journeys to my classes and what I was feeling and Turn it Off in particular resonates with me. 

I think the song is about how pain is an inevitable part of life. As you live and grow up you experience bad circumstances, people who disappoint you and you end up living a life that is nihilistic and all these experiences suck the hope and innocence out of you and make you a bitter, selfish person. In the chorus she sings about how it's all futile because things are only going to get worse. For the longest time I thought the lyrics were "hit the bottle" not "hit the bottom". Is Hayley saying she's better off dead (alluding to killing herself by jumping) or is she figuratively saying that we need to hit rock bottom, lose everything, purge ourselves of our old mentalities and build ourselves back up with unshakable foundations? I think it's more the former. I could quote the whole song but this is my favourite lyric is:
Seems like it's getting harder to believe in anything, than just to get lost in all my selfish thoughts.
I feel like this all the time. Just apathy and self-centredness. You watch the news and it's an awful world we live in and you wonder "is that all there is?" And you kinda want to just focus on yourself or hide away forever. Hayley wants more, a better perspective, to see goodness in everything including herself but she can't, she's still consumed by all the hurt inflicted upon her so in spite of her desire to be better she just turns it off, shuts everything out because it's too hard to forgive those who hurt her and so the cycle continues. It's a dark song but one of my favourite Paramore songs. Are you a fan of Paramore?


24 facts about me!

I'm turning 24 in two days so I thought I would share 24 facts about myself:
  1. I survived a pyroclastic volcanic eruption.
  2. I have 11 tattoos right now.
  3. I'm gonna be covered in tattoos.
  4. I only have my septum pierced.
  5. I have a degree in Film and Media Production.
  6. I still live at home.
  7. I am an introvert (INTJ if you're into Myers-Briggs).
  8. My favourite band is Fall Out Boy.
  9. My favourite artist is Marina and the Diamonds.
  10. I can't do a handstand.
  11. Or a cartwheel.
  12. I love my Instagram feed. I could scroll forever.
  13. Tumblr's my second favourite social media but I've been neglecting it recently.
  14. I dislike facebook...
  15. Some of favourite films include Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Girl, Interrupted, Donnie Darko, Moulin Rouge and The Craft.
  16. I think 15 is my lucky number.
  17. I have only been to one concert and it was Marina and the Diamonds in 2012.
  18. I like being on trains.
  19. I have only had one pet in my life, a goldfish. I didn't name them.
  20. I feel a strange affinity with the moon.
  21. I MUST live in New York at some point in my life.
  22. I hate when people crack their knuckles.
  23. I hate when people are like "you HAVEN'T see/listen to/heard of [band/song/movie/etc]????" STOP.
  24. I'm glad I chose to do 24 facts because 50 would've been very difficult.


Introducing Music Monday

Welcome to the first Music Monday! I was spurred on by Jennypurr's week of blog posts on content, it made me really evaluate my content on INSIDEsai. I wanted to figure out what I want to post here and I've come to the decision that I need to expand my content base from just photography, art and fashion so I don't get stuck and post inconsistently. I am also going to be posting on Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sundays. So what is Music Monday? Every Monday I am going to tell you about the song I've been listening the most the last week and why I like it. I use music to mirror my emotions. When I'm sad I listen to sad music. When I'm happy, I listen to upbeat music. When I wanna dance I listen to Ke$ha (waiting for her new album by the way). My first choice for Music Monday is: Christina Aguilera's song Fighter

Watchmojo ranked this as number one in their top 10 girl power songs and I totally agree. It's a great song of empowerment. Released in 2003 it was one of the few pop songs I didn't disregard as my adolescent sclf delved into rock and roll and I still love it now. The gothic aesthetic of the music video and the rock influenced construction of the song helped. It's a song about becoming stronger through the pain of a break up and the betrayal of a love one. It's about not letting the pain inside you, consume you but letting it to fuel your recovery and make you stronger. Make you a fighter not a victim. Like a phoenix being reborn from the ashes Christina's going to rise after her heartbreak and become more resilient. My favourite part is the bridge:
How could this man I thought I knew turn out to be unjust, so cruel?
Could only see the good in you, pretended not to see the truth.
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself, through living in denial.
But in the end you'll see: YOU WON'T STOP ME!
I am a fighter and I, I ain't gonna stop! There is no turning back! I’ve had enough!
The last section would make a great affirmation. The lyrics combined with Christina's powerhouse voice makes it so anthemic. I just wanna scream this song until I've made all my dreams come true. It's always hard when the person betraying you or holding you back is yourself but. I feel that Stripped was Christina's best work... I say this even though I have only listened to the singles on that album. To be honest I have only listened to her singles, regardless it is a beautiful song. The music video also has the most beautiful gothic charm to it. Beautiful to watch and listen to. Are you excited to get some insight into my music taste?


Mental Health: Depression

This is gonna be my most personal post to date. I'm gonna put a trigger warning here.


Collage in March

Two collages where I try something a little different. I've always wanted to capture the look of paper collages while using a digital medium. What do you think?
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